to remember

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.” C.S. Lewis

i remember, with a disconcerting clarity, the exact events of september 11, 2001, and where i was when i learned of them. each plane. each tower. the field. the pentagon. i remember the moment i realized we were under attack and the unfamiliar feeling of panic i fought to suppress.

i remember, with equal clarity, the moment regularly scheduled programming was interrupted to confirm that we were now a nation at war. it was called ‘shock and awe’. i sat in my bedroom quietly crying as i watched the television, finding nothing awe-inspiring about what was being projected from the screen.

and still, 10 years later, i have visceral reactions to coverage replaying what has been arguably, the most defining moment of my generation. and i find… i can’t watch it.

i can’t watch the memorials, the ceremonies, the documentaries… dedicated to honoring those we lost, those who fought and those who continue to fight. my head is not in the sand, but even now, even 10 years later, i’m not ready to go back there. it’s still too fresh, still too dark and with the looming possibility that the people who mean everything to me may be called to serve the very same war that started 10 years ago, perhaps… it’s just too real.

i will never forget, i will forever honor. but i am not prepared to relive.


One thought on “to remember

  1. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly that awful, nauseous feeling comes back. If I see even a few seconds of footage of the attack, I feel like it’s happening all over again.

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